Kwikset Lock Review
I purchased the Kwikset Juno locks the moment that I realised my girlfriend who dumped me and left was a Flying Whore. Not in the sense of some sort of sex worker who flew on the planes. She was a sex worker, but not that kind.
She was more of the mythical kind. And when I say mythical, I don’t mean mythical in some sort of exaggerated way like “oh my god it was a mythical party” or “this is a mythical burger”. I mean literally mythological.
The locks don’t keep her out, obviously. They just make me feel better when I engage the deadbolt into the old wood of the doorframe. If she really wants in she will either claw and scratch at the door offering blow jobs or butt stuff. Or she will just burn the house down.
These locks though, are simply amazing and a very good investment if you plan to scour Facebook and trailer parks for your next girlfriend. They can easily be re-keyed to any of your liking with the provided rekeying tool and half a brain.
I keep my key on one of those blue carabiners with a cheap compass hanging on it. The compass is useless. It doesn’t point north. It points to a place that doesn’t exist yet but I am confident I will find my way to it eventually.
The kwikset lock makes a satisfying click when it is locked. The sound is solid. Secure. Re-keying the lock is pretty straight forward. You insert, fully, your original key. Then you take the tiny pick like tool and stick it into the little hole (which is completely legal in all 50 states). You then turn the key 90 degrees clockwise and remove. Place the new key all the way in, not just the tip. You won’t pre ejaculate…. well, you might, but it’s fine and completely normal. Twist the key counterclockwise and test.
I like the re-keying process because it’s a way of starting over. With a new key. You get to remove the old one. She didn’t have a copy anyway.
The lock sits there on my door. Gleaming brass.
The lock is silent. It does not complain. It doesn’t ask for money , or dabs, or tequila, or a ride. And it doesn’t have a hidden penis that it whips out in front of my mother.
It does what a lock is supposed to do.
